Little things affect me in ways I never thought they would...
- A DNA test to find out exactly who the father is
- Extended visits with mom that occur where Lil' Peanut was hurt
- Appointments on top of appointments and a week's schedule that is no longer my own.
What I struggle most with though is all the unknowns. Will I pour my heart out into her for months only to have her stripped from my arms in the end? Will she be safe, loved and happy? Will my heart recover - and how will I possibly survive the waiting?
I know love is sacrifice, but I've asked myself often the last few days why it has to hurt this much?
Ryan is always telling me I am stronger than I think. I don't want to be strong...not if this strength keeps putting my heart in these situations.
I just want to know: Is. She. Ours?
Then I think, If she is not...Would it change anything about my life now?
And the answer is: No.
It wouldn't. I would still make bottle upon bottle and gently wipe the spit-up from her bow-shaped lips. I would still pat her back and rock her to sleep and slather her with an ungodly number of kisses. I would gaze lovestruck into her hazel-gray eyes and snuggle her head into my shoulder. I would cherish every second - and still choose to love.
The question God keeps asking me in all this:
Do you still trust me?
Well, yeah, but God!......
Do you TRUST me?
You know I want to, but can't I just know?
Dear one, do YOU trust ME?
And finally, I let go...weak and tired from the struggle, able to rest in the freedom of faith.
Trust in Him is the only thing getting me through this. Trusting there is no "worst case scenario" -- Only His best.
For her.
For her mom.
For us.
The pain of these moments is temporary. Someday I will "know fully, even as I am fully known." (1 Corinthians 13:12) He knows. He knows my heart. He knows my struggle and doubt and angst and He will carry me through. He always has. The aching cracks of it all just serve to let in the glory of His brilliant light.
In my quiet time the other day I was reading Genesis 18, where God is again reminding Abraham of His promise to provide him with an heir, a son - even in his old age. Abraham is doubtful and God replies "Is anything too hard for the Lord? At the appointed time I will return to you..."
It was such a poignant reminder.
There is NOTHING too hard for my God. He is fully capable of making this house Lil' Peanut's forever home. He is also fully capable of healing my heart if she leaves. That is what this all boils down to...His capability and my willingness to Just. Let. Go. Let go of my expectations and the desires of my heart and for this sweet girl. He knows all of it anyway.
I lift my eyes up to the hills - and His help is coming.
He made heaven and earth and my heart and this little girl and He knows all and is IN all.
His grace is here, in the hurt and the pain and the love.
And He is trustworthy.
All is Grace,
Carie
