The struggle is real.

I've been really struggling lately with the unknowns of baby girl's future. I am struggling with the brokenness of her story. I am struggling with the myriad of emotions swirling around inside as the winds of March blow outside my window.

Little things affect me in ways I never thought they would...
- A DNA test to find out exactly who the father is
- Extended visits with mom that occur where Lil' Peanut was hurt
- Appointments on top of appointments and a week's schedule that is no longer my own.

What I struggle most with though is all the unknowns. Will I pour my heart out into her for months only to have her stripped from my arms in the end? Will she be safe, loved and happy? Will my heart recover - and how will I possibly survive the waiting?

I know love is sacrifice, but I've asked myself often the last few days why it has to hurt this much?

Ryan is always telling me I am stronger than I think. I don't want to be strong...not if this strength keeps putting my heart in these situations.

I just want to know:  Is.  She.  Ours?

Then I think, If she is not...Would it change anything about my life now?
And the answer is:  No.
It wouldn't. I would still make bottle upon bottle and gently wipe the spit-up from her bow-shaped lips. I would still pat her back and rock her to sleep and slather her with an ungodly number of kisses. I would gaze lovestruck into her hazel-gray eyes and snuggle her head into my shoulder. I would cherish every second - and still choose to love.

The question God keeps asking me in all this:
Do you still trust me?

Well, yeah, but God!......
Do you TRUST me?
You know I want to, but can't I just know?
Dear one, do YOU trust ME?

And finally, I let go...weak and tired from the struggle, able to rest in the freedom of faith.
Trust in Him is the only thing getting me through this. Trusting there is no "worst case scenario" -- Only His best.

For her.
For her mom.
For us.

The pain of these moments is temporary. Someday I will "know fully, even as I am fully known." (1 Corinthians 13:12) He knows. He knows my heart. He knows my struggle and doubt and angst and He will carry me through. He always has. The aching cracks of it all just serve to let in the glory of His brilliant light.

In my quiet time the other day I was reading Genesis 18, where God is again reminding Abraham of His promise to provide him with an heir, a son - even in his old age. Abraham is doubtful and God replies "Is anything too hard for the Lord? At the appointed time I will return to you..."

It was such a poignant reminder.

There is NOTHING too hard for my God. He is fully capable of making this house Lil' Peanut's forever home. He is also fully capable of healing my heart if she leaves. That is what this all boils down to...His capability and my willingness to Just. Let. Go. Let go of my expectations and the desires of my heart and for this sweet girl. He knows all of it anyway.

I lift my eyes up to the hills - and His help is coming.
He made heaven and earth and my heart and this little girl and He knows all and is IN all.
His grace is here, in the hurt and the pain and the love.
And He is trustworthy.

All is Grace,
Carie

My New Year's resolution - To lay it down

Photo by Bea Hufman Photography

Lay it down

Every year as December winds to a close and a new calendar gets hung on the wall, my thoughts generally turn inward and contemplative. I think of all that has happened and has yet to come. I start making lists of changes I would like to see in myself, my home and my family.

And come January 1st (or sometimes 3rd or 4th) I try my darnedest to implement them:
- Exfoliate more
- Drink more water
- Read the Bible every day 
- Talk less, listen more
- Hit the gym five days a week
- Take a break from sugar
- Drink fewer calories
- Respect Mr. Steady more
- Remember to send monthly birthday cards
- Tithe more regularly
- Call a friend a day...

And the list goes on and on until I'm already burned out just making it. Is this what God would have of us each year? To be burnt out and feeling guilty before we even begin? Yes, our health is important. Yes, relationships are important. And YES, reading the Word regularly is important. 

But I have a theory. Maybe the solution for the "best-new-year-ever" isn't to make an even bigger list or stronger promise to do or be better... but to LAY. IT. DOWN.

Lay it down.

All of it. The lists, the demands, the quotas and guilt-trips and calendars and rules and fasts and restrictions. Maybe, just maybe - by laying down our resolutions and letting them die a peaceful death - we can rise again and TRULY live. 

Everything I am, everything I long to be
I lay it down at Your feet
Everything I am, everything I long to be
I lay it down at Your feet

I lay it down, I lay it down
I lay it down at Your feet
I lay it down, I lay it down
I lay it down at Your feet

Oh, Pearl of greatest price
No act of sacrifice
Can match the gift of life
I find within Your gaze

Oh, what a sweet exchange
I die to rise again
Lifted up from the grave
Into Your hands of grace

I lay it down, I lay it down
I lay it down at Your feet
I lay it down, lay it down
Lay it down at Your feet

Songwriters
GIBBS, FREDDIE / BROWN, WILLIAM T.

Published by
Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.

Read more:  Matt Maher - Lay It Down Lyrics | MetroLyrics 


Happy 2015 dear friends... May this be our most alive yet.

All is grace (and not striving, promising and list-making),
Carie