Sweetly Broken

It's been a while since my last post. We've taken time away to celebrate the holidays, hole up and attempt to recover from everything we've been through. The distance has left many wondering how we are and what we've been up to since the boys left. I've had some people tell me my last post left too much open-ended, that it was tied up with too neat and pretty a bow. Nothing about this story is neat, and very few parts are pretty.

The first few weeks after the boys left were spent grieving, questioning, praying and grieving some more. The emotions felt much like our previous miscarriages, except this time we had faces and names, smiles and memories, visions of how we could become the "perfect" family. It was a hard loss.

I can't even count the times I've questioned myself, wondering if when their social worker asked how we were doing, I should have responded with "Oh, you know. It's hard, but we're adjusting." If I should have gritted my teeth and pushed on. But I didn't. She asked and I responded with the truth. That we weren't adjusting. That I was seriously concerned about my health.

I've had several people tell me that my panic attacks may have been attacks from Satan and that I should have held on in faith and pushed through. Others have said maybe it was God's way of getting me out of a situation that would have been traumatic for my family down the road. Regardless of their source, there is a big difference between anxiety and panic attacks. It's easy for those who have not truly experienced them to write them off as just an excuse to get out of hard things, or as something tough to work through. But for many people who live with them, prayer never solves them and medication becomes the only solution.

Even though we want desperately to heal and move forward, we have chosen to stay involved in Jessey and Irvin's lives. So each week the kids and I load up, head over to the children's shelter and try to pour love and grace into two little lives that can't help but resist and push back, even against something that is breath and life. Those visits are the longest hour of the week. Five little people and one big one crammed in a much-too-small room for 60 minutes. Trying to act like this is natural. Trying to act like this is good. It's not. They don't belong there and it kills me to think that - however unintended - it is because of me. My health and my decision to share truthfully the struggles I was facing. The if-onlys are constant and brutal.

I have faced the guilt of knowing I broke not only their hearts, but the heart of my husband. Ryan was all in. He handled them with such grace, strength and love. He is my hero. He would have preferred they stayed. He knows now and agrees that it wasn't a good fit and we weren't the right family for them, but it doesn't change the ache in my heart from causing my man such pain.

I have come face-to-face with my own pride and fallen before the Father and wept for my shame. The way I would judge others at face value, not bothering to ask about their stories. I have been that mother who judged another mom with a kid throwing a full-blown tantrum, thinking "if only they disciplined more." I have seen the teens with sullen expressions and no desire to listen to authority and felt thankful they were not my problem. I have heard about other's stories and wondered "why in the world" they were making that decision. I have given out little grace and compassion to others when their stories end in heartbreak because of decisions they made and in my mind, could have avoided. I have been wise in my own eyes.

Daily now I pray that I will never have the audacity to judge, or gossip or fill-in-the-blanks of someone else's story. It is not my right. Not my place. No one - even those closest to us - will ever know exactly what we went through. I will never know exactly what you have been through. But I pray so desperately that I will have the courage and love and desire to ask you about your story. To look you in the eyes, keep my mouth quiet and just listen. Listen to your hurt. Listen to your pain. Listen and respond - not in judgement, not with an "I-know-best" response - but with grace and love.

The empathy and respect I have gained for others is monumental. The workers and families and individuals that willingly step into these hard places to care for foster children and push through the muck with them day-in and day-out...They are the real heroes. They have such thankless draining jobs. I have loved seeing the same worker at the shelter each week when we go to visit the boys. It was an honor to write her an encouraging note tucked into a coffee card letting her know that we see and we care and we are so proud of her.

There have been people who question our sincerity. Who have questioned what right I had to encourage others to step in to hard places when I wouldn't even stay there myself. They have questioned "how high I built everything up" and the swift and abrupt way in which it all ended. I have always been the one gung ho for adoption, Ryan less so. Ironically, he is now ten times more committed to the idea of foster care and adoption. I am the one both excited and fearful for the future. I trust him and am so thankful for his faith and leadership. I believe him when he says "Someday when we are old we'll have a wall full of pictures of lives we've impacted or poured into."

We have met with our CPS worker and discussed what happened and where we go from here. We are still on the list for emergency placements. We are still waiting to get a call with an adoption case that may fit our family. We are praying daily that Jessey and Irvin get placed in a forever home, and if that home is local, that we will be allowed to play a part in their new story, providing occasional respite for a family that will definitely need it. I have no clue what will happen in our future - but I do know that God is for us. He is still on His throne. We are still called to love and serve. Most importantly, we are open to whatever God calls us to, whatever form that looks like.

Foster care is messy. It is hard. It is ambiguous and confusing. But it is worth it. I still wouldn't change anything, even though it was the hardest, scariest thing I've ever done. The lessons learned and empathy gained are more than worth the pain.

To those of you who have given to us - either time in prayer or money - we are so thankful for you. People have told us it seems fishy that we would accept money for an adoption that never happened, or for foster kids who were only here for 7 days. If you are one of them, please let us know and we can work out a way to get your money back to you. I would never want money to be the cause of a rift in relationship, or want to accept money that comes with conditions.

I realize that sharing our story in such a public way and then leaving such a long break in communication has lead many of you to question and wonder to each other "what is up" with the Edsons. I realize that it is only natural to fill in the blanks when no information is given. If you still have questions after reading this post, please come and talk to us personally where you can get accurate and truthful information. If someone has been coming to you and asking questions about our story, please point them to this post - or better yet, give them our phone number and encourage them to come talk to us.

We still need your prayers. We will have decisions to make in the future regarding the children we take in and the timing of it all...it may be next month, it may be years down the road when our children are older and more able to deal with the emotional upheaval of it all. We will keep pursuing this path until it ends with one less orphan in the world or our Father makes clear to us this isn't His will for our lives. Either way, your love and support mean the world to us.

I never started this blog to make people happy. I know I've ruffled some feathers. I have prayed over every post and written from the heart. Life is messy. It can't be contained in a perfect box or painted exactly between the lines. We don't live this life to honor man, but to honor the One who made us. Honestly, His is the only opinion we care about. I am so thankful for the sin he revealed and the grace he bestowed. There is now no condemnation because I am IN HIM. I'm fixing my eyes on Jesus and moving forward in faith. The road ahead is wreathed in fog of unknown, but above the inversion the air is clear, the sky sparkling and golden and my Beloved is waiting.

All is grace,
Carie

This is not the end (even though it feels like it)

I've been struggling for days now whether or not to write a post about our last couple weeks. It's never easy to open up to the world, even more so when you barely want to open up to yourself or rehash things that hurt your heart. It's easier just to push them away, filed in a box, ready to move on and forget.

But I can't - and won't - do that.

I always promised myself my blog would be a place of Truth and would proclaim what is Real. If my words are to matter, they must be willing to go through darkness into tough places. Life is full enough of polished over-hyped photo-shopped mirage-perfection. We've lost our ability to fully enter into and even embrace the hard-not-so-pretty things. It's too uncomfortable, no warm-fuzzies here. I'm learning more and more its in these darker seasons of life that His light shines brightest. Glint of beauty shines brightest from muck and mire.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Almost two weeks ago we opened our home to two precious adventurous oh-so beautiful boys.
Six days ago we said tearful goodbyes.
The seven days in between were easily some of the darkest, hardest and most searingly painful of my entire life...To fully explain why I feel I need to back up a bit.

My emotions have always been the horse pulling the cart. As a child I would get chastised by my analytical father for making decisions based on my heart and not my head. This character trait is both weakness and strength.

I am, and have always been, "all or nothing." Ask my husband - who will wincingly tell you how every time I set my heart on a new hobby or task I quickly buy multiple books on the subject. Spend hours planning and researching. I've never had much of a problem with the whole "wherever you are, be there with all your heart" scenario. I love deeply, fight passionately, cheer fanatically and grieve fiercely.

So when two sweet little boys entered through our front door, my heart fell head-over heels, love-at-first-sight, passionately-in-love. As usual, my mind jumped from "A" (welcoming them across the threshold) to "Z" (visions of holding sweet grand babies with their beautiful hazel eyes). I was all in.

Which made the next week the most beautiful heart-wrenching I've ever been through.

This was our first time fostering, and it doesn't matter how many books you read on the subject, or how many people you talk to - nothing prepares you for the real deal. As I sit and think about last week, my heart still feels like its in a bit of a coma, still suffering a little PTSD.

The boys came with 7 large bags, 3 bikes, 1 pogo-stick, 1 skateboard, 3 boxes, 2 large tubs and 2 backpacks full of physical and emotional baggage. It was unceremoniously dropped on my living room floor and my heart was completely blindsided by the amount of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual energy that would be required to deal with it. Compound that with 2 adults and 5 children - two of whom have more energy than a small nuclear power plant - crammed into less than a thousand square feet, and my (slightly) obsessive compulsive personality...it was a recipe for a meltdown of nuclear proportions. I spent more hours flat on my face sobbing and seeking God's face than I had in multiple years. For me each day grew darker and scarier than the last.

For years in our early marriage I struggled with panic attacks. Once I discovered they were due to anxiety and not a hereditary heart condition, they lessoned considerably and have not been an issue since. Within hours of the boys moving in, they returned and in greater severity than ever before. Where they once only attacked at night, I now lived in a constant state of deep underlying tension and fear. I could barely breathe.

What really worried me was I knew my fears logically seemed unfounded. They kids actually got along really well! Haven and Irvin were two peas in a pod. He followed her around like a lost puppy and she willingly gave him all the snuggles and giggles he could hold. Jessey and James played energetically from after school until bedtime. We all were falling quickly in love.

But so many things piled up like pieces of proverbial straw, threatening to bend and break me...

Small house shrunk by noise, belongings and chaos to the size of prison cell.
Constant clamoring for time and attention I didn't have to give.
Zero time to spend on homeschool with James.
Jessey's constant fits over the smallest things.
Brothers feeding off negative energy and quickly escalating into small tornadoes of emotional destruction.
Breaking up exponentially compounding little arguments.
Watching my children getting hurt emotionally and at times physically by the brother's lack of self-control.
James beginning to weigh heavy with the roll of big-brother and overseer to two littles who just wouldn't listen and could be bipolar with their affection.

I quickly realized that while we thought we were waltzing merrily down the somewhat difficult long road of adoption - we had actually been thrown into the foxholes of the Reactive Attachment Disorder war...and it was one for which we had not trained, nor had the skills to deal with.

Reactive Attachment Disorder is ugly and very abusive. The swings from "I love you" to "I hate you" are quick, constant and come from nowhere. The child cannot help this behavior. It comes from the dark places of neglect and abandonment in their past...and only lots of time, lots of therapy and a tenacious love on the part of a caregiver can help break through the cycle.

Maybe the outcome would have been different if the panic attacks hadn't played a role, but I had seen first-hand in family members how quickly they can escalate, becoming mind controlling, something only medication can begin to handle. I desperately didn't want to go there.

And so, after much prayer and discussion with their social-worker - who is also a believer - we made the agonizingly difficult decision to let the boys go. We talked about possible solutions to lesson my load - putting Irvin in daycare, taking it week by week. But in the end their worker felt removal was the best option. She informed us that RAD always gets much worse before it gets better - and that it can take months to see results. Since we didn't know if my attacks were going to go away, we didn't want to be faced with a situation where we were completely fed up and calling her to "come get them now." Wanting to preserve the good relationship we already had with the boys, she felt removing them to the children's shelter would give them a shot at a long-term loving relationship with us that could help buffer them through transitions to come. The children's shelter is usually full, especially around the holidays. They had an opening for both boys to stay together, which would not be a guarantee in the months to come and the last thing anyone wanted was for the boys to be split up.

Seven days after they arrived, we loaded up their bags and dropped them off at the shelter. The 48 hours that followed were filled with lots of tears, grief and wondering if we had done the right thing. Any of it.

This is the conclusion I've come to:

I would do it all over again, in a heartbeat.

Where I went wrong was in jumping from A to Z and not just taking each day at a time. Should I have loved them? Absolutely. But I shouldn't have let my love for them allow my feelings to makes decisions the Lord hadn't guided us into yet. The outcome would have been the same, but my heart would have been better guarded.

We were never called to fix them. We were never called to keep them forever. When we got that phone call a month ago, it was for a family to house and love two little boys whose only other alternative was to be dropped at a shelter. And we did that. We loved and hugged and kissed and read-to and prayed with and snuggled the stuffing out of those little guys. For a week they knew family. They knew safety. They knew Love modeled and preached.

I've been realizing they gained a whole lot more than they lost. We all did.

They now have a family who is praying daily for them. Who sends them pictures and calls them twice a week and visits whenever they get the chance. Our journey with them didn't stop when they left our home. Just because we aren't adopting them with paperwork does not mean we have not adopted them in our hearts...and even though they aren't in our home, they are ours. Our boys. They got to learn about the God who made them and left with a book of bible stories that were read to them every night. They learned what prayer is and wouldn't let us leave the room at night without it. Our prayer is that over time they will learn that there are all types of love and that even though they don't wear our name, they still belong.

We learned so much from them. We thought we knew what patience, grace and forgiveness looked like...until they came and taught us the nitty-gritty of those words. We were introduced firsthand to the product of neglect and abandonment and it has lit a fire in our hearts to spread awareness and support those brave soldiers who face this battle day in and day out.

I don't know what the future holds for us in the realm of adoption and foster care - I'm not even going to hazard a guess. I've learned my lesson. I know we need some time to heal and reassess where we stand. But I do know we are still called to love. We are still called to obedience. We are still called to the dark hard places because that's where Grace is found and His light shines brightest. I am so very thankful for the last few weeks and look to our future with great expectancy - for HE is there.

All is still Grace,
Carie

Feeling foolish...

I knew this journey was going to be hard.

When we met with some dear friends who are older, wiser and done this twice before, they warned us to watch for attacks and discouragement. That adoption is so close to God's heart, of course it is one of the prime targets for the Enemy.

In my fervor and excitement to "tally-ho" into the land of obedience and adventure, my head nodded solemnly, but my heart cried out in it's best Braveheart voice "Bring it on! Do you worst, and see how my God has the battle already won!"

But in my enthusiasm, I forgot the enemy is sneaky, backhanded and rarely stands up and fights like a man. The guerrilla warfare my heart has experienced in the last couple weeks has been nothing short of gnarly, to say the least, and in my weaker moments has released a whole host of emotions ranging from doubt to anger, resentment, impatience, frustration and loneliness.

There have been attacks in our marriage, attacks physically in the health of older family members, attacks on our hope with closed doors, stress in our finances, tensions and worries in close relationships...and at times we have felt that people perceive this journey as risky and foolish.

I'm beginning to empathize a whole lot more with Joshua and Caleb.

God told the Israelites to enter courageously into the land of Canaan, claim it for His kingdom and reap the benefits of obedience and faith by enjoying the fruits of a land "flowing with milk and honey." So twelve pillars of their society marched off bravely into the unknown, only to return with horror stories of giants in the land and fortified cities. Oh sure, they saw the remarkable fruits ripe for the taking, but their focus could only fall back on the tremendous obstacles in their way. Only two of the twelve came back excited and confident. "Let's go now!" they said. "God is for us! Who can be against us?" But the elders and people couldn't see past the wall of doubt and fear the other ten built with each passing word.

I'm sure the Israelites looked at Joshua and Caleb and were thinking "How foolish. Can't they see the risks? Don't they know what could happen? Aren't they worried about the children?!"

And all Joshua could think was "How foolish. Can't they see the rewards? Don't they know how BIG their God is? Don't they remember the battle has already been won?!"

I relate Josh...I really do.

I know the lack of support totally bummed Josh and Caleb out. They fell on the ground, tearing their clothes and wept in their distress. Frankly, I've felt like doing some of the same. Not out of self-pity and a sense of "woe is me"...But out of sadness at what so many are missing out on. The risk in the adventure is more than worth the reward of whole-hearted, sold-out and complete-abandoned devotion to the call the Father places on our hearts.

My heart breaks for what the Church is missing out on. I wish I could single handedly shatter the apathy and ladel out buckets of Faith to everybody. I wish I could put into words the joy and growth and peace that come from letting go of perceived life-lines and just letting the waves of God's will carry me wherever His sovereignty leads. And while there are times I feel I could drown - those are always in the moments where I've looked away from the One who is carrying me in the first place. Each return of my gaze to His heart results in roots buried deeper in the confidence of His love and His plan.

I'm bummed about the adventures and growth the body of Christ is missing out on and I'm bummed the world is missing out on learning what "body of Christ" really means. People stepping out in faith together and for each other. Accepting His call for the individual with the same faith and fervor they accept their own. Rather than dwelling on details and "what ifs", stepping up and saying "How can I help? You're not alone. Let's do this together." The body of Christ moving as one body sure would be a beautiful thing to behold indeed.

Are we foolish?

You betcha.

But the foolishness of God will always be wiser than the wisdom of man, and the weakness of God will always be stronger than the strength of men.  (1 Corinthians 1:25 paraphrase)

If only the Church could be foolish together.

Still believing that
ALL is Grace,

Carie

Advent Day 12 - A Candle in the Darkness - Isaiah 9:2,6-7

Today has been one of those days. ..

Where world closes in and shrinks to size of tiny rooms lived in. 
Where Littles lie, push, shriek, cry, whine, disobey and say "Mama?" a billion times.
Where Lil' Peach is fed entree after entree and nothing satisfies and the tantrum continues until I fantasize throwing food in her face and growling like a not-so-cartoonish beast "...then go ahead and STAAAAARVE!"
Where pain is physical, mental, emotional and spiritual - all rolled into one giant snowball gaining soul-momentum...blowing everything in its way out of proportion, leaving chaos, destruction and heart-break in its unforgiving wake. 

Today was a land of deep darkness.

And the thing about these days? Everyone has them, and they can come out of nowhere. One minute you're blissfully happy in your perfect life with your healthy family and cozy home anticipating all the joy and celebration of the season... and next you're wondering how you got there and can you ever escape?

I've always loved a quote by Helen Keller: "Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow." But what do you do when the fog is thick and soupy and heavy, hiding any trace of light?

Just because you cannot see the sun, does not mean it is not there. 

Who among you fears the Lord and obeys his servant? If you are walking in darkness, without a ray of light, trust in the Lord, and rely on your God.  Isaiah 50:10 (NLT) emphasis mine

Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."  John 8:12 (ESV) emphasis mine

He is the sun - The Son - our source of light. Just as we never doubt the sun's presence - even when we cannot see it. The Light of the world is always there...

Our God who breathed stars into the dark - He breathed Bethlehem's Star, then He became a Baby with lungs and breathed in stable air. We are all saved and rescued from the hopeless dark because God came with infant fists and opened wide His hands to hold yours...

And it doesn't matter how dark the dark is - Jesus comes to the darkest places so you can see His light the brightest.  (Unwrapping the Greatest Gift, pg. 87)

Like the flaming of a candle in utter darkness, Isaiah's words pierce my soul-shadow with hope:

For me this Child, this Gift was born! For me!
He is ruling this crazy chaotic world...
He is Wisdom, and Strength, and Eternity
The Prince of Wholeness...

Ever reminding me that
All is grace,
(Especially when it doesn't feel like it)

Carie

Isaiah 9:2

The Message (MSG)

2-7 The people who walked in darkness
    have seen a great light.
For those who lived in a land of deep shadows—
    light! sunbursts of light!
You repopulated the nation,
    you expanded its joy.
Oh, they’re so glad in your presence!
    Festival joy!
The joy of a great celebration,
    sharing rich gifts and warm greetings.
The abuse of oppressors and cruelty of tyrants—
    all their whips and cudgels and curses—
Is gone, done away with, a deliverance
    as surprising and sudden as Gideon’s old victory over Midian.
The boots of all those invading troops,
    along with their shirts soaked with innocent blood,
Will be piled in a heap and burned,
    a fire that will burn for days!
For a child has been born—for us!
    the gift of a son—for us!
He’ll take over
    the running of the world.
His names will be: Amazing Counselor,
    Strong God,
Eternal Father,
    Prince of Wholeness.
His ruling authority will grow,
    and there’ll be no limits to the wholeness he brings.
He’ll rule from the historic David throne
    over that promised kingdom.
He’ll put that kingdom on a firm footing
    and keep it going
With fair dealing and right living,
    beginning now and lasting always.
The zeal of God-of-the-Angel-Armies
    will do all this.

Advent Day 10 - Ruth - Ruth 1:15 - 2:3

Ruth and Rahab have so much in common, its like they were destined to be related! They must have had so much to talk about!

Both were outsiders and strangers to Judaism. Although they came from foreign lands, they let go of their gods and customs and chose to follow Jehovah. They made great steps of faith, and humbly threw themselves at the mercy of Israelite men they did not know.

I think sometimes people shy away from church and Christianity in general because they don't know the ropes. They feel like outsiders. They are unfamiliar with the customs and especially of this God we serve.

Ruth and Rahab reveal beautiful lessons of God's grace through their stories:

God chooses outsiders - over and over again - and uses them in his plans.

It doesn't matter what you've done, or where you come from, or what gender you are, or who your family is, or how much you have, or what customs you know or even if you know him...What matters is that you take that first step of faith in his direction. His arms are always always open and welcoming.

God's timing is perfect. 

He uses the people and circumstances around us to woo us to himself. He reveals his hand and his grace when we need it the most. Even when it seems like our story is messy and doesn't make any sense - He uses it...for his glory!

I pray that Ruth's love story opens your eyes to see the bigger picture that is unfolding around you even now...There is still a Redeemer waiting to take you out of your soul-poverty, to wrap you in cloaks of Love and whisk you away into your "happily ever after."

All is grace,
Carie

Advent Day 10  -  Ruth  -  Ruth 1:15 - 2:3

The Message (MSG)

15 And she said, “See, your sister-in-law has gone back to her people and to her gods; return after your sister-in-law.” 16 But Ruth said, “Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. 17 Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you.” 18 And when Naomi saw that she was determined to go with her, she said no more.

Naomi and Ruth Return

19 So the two of them went on until they came to Bethlehem. And when they came to Bethlehem, the whole town was stirred because of them. And the women said, “Is this Naomi?” 20 She said to them, “Do not call me Naomi;[a] call me Mara,[b] for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. 21 I went away full, and the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi, when the Lord has testified against me and the Almighty has brought calamity upon me?”

22 So Naomi returned, and Ruth the Moabite her daughter-in-law with her, who returned from the country of Moab. And they came to Bethlehem at the beginning of barley harvest.

Ruth Meets Boaz

2 It so happened that Naomi had a relative by marriage, a man prominent and rich, connected with Elimelech’s family. His name was Boaz.

2 One day Ruth, the Moabite foreigner, said to Naomi, “I’m going to work; I’m going out to glean among the sheaves, following after some harvester who will treat me kindly.”

Naomi said, “Go ahead, dear daughter.”

3-4 And so she set out. She went and started gleaning in a field, following in the wake of the harvesters. Eventually she ended up in the part of the field owned by Boaz, her father-in-law Elimelech’s relative. A little later Boaz came out from Bethlehem, greeting his harvesters, “God be with you!” They replied, “And God bless you!”

5 Boaz asked his young servant who was foreman over the farm hands, “Who is this young woman? Where did she come from?”

6-7 The foreman said, “Why, that’s the Moabite girl, the one who came with Naomi from the country of Moab. She asked permission. ‘Let me glean,’ she said, ‘and gather among the sheaves following after your harvesters.’ She’s been at it steady ever since, from early morning until now, without so much as a break.”

8-9 Then Boaz spoke to Ruth: “Listen, my daughter. From now on don’t go to any other field to glean—stay right here in this one. And stay close to my young women. Watch where they are harvesting and follow them. And don’t worry about a thing; I’ve given orders to my servants not to harass you. When you get thirsty, feel free to go and drink from the water buckets that the servants have filled.”

10 She dropped to her knees, then bowed her face to the ground. “How does this happen that you should pick me out and treat me so kindly—me, a foreigner?”

11-12 Boaz answered her, “I’ve heard all about you—heard about the way you treated your mother-in-law after the death of her husband, and how you left your father and mother and the land of your birth and have come to live among a bunch of total strangers. Godreward you well for what you’ve done—and with a generous bonus besides from God, to whom you’ve come seeking protection under his wings.”

13 She said, “Oh sir, such grace, such kindness—I don’t deserve it. You’ve touched my heart, treated me like one of your own. And I don’t even belong here!”

14 At the lunch break, Boaz said to her, “Come over here; eat some bread. Dip it in the wine.”

So she joined the harvesters. Boaz passed the roasted grain to her. She ate her fill and even had some left over.

15-16 When she got up to go back to work, Boaz ordered his servants: “Let her glean where there’s still plenty of grain on the ground—make it easy for her. Better yet, pull some of the good stuff out and leave it for her to glean. Give her special treatment.”

17-18 Ruth gleaned in the field until evening. When she threshed out what she had gathered, she ended up with nearly a full sack of barley! She gathered up her gleanings, went back to town, and showed her mother-in-law the results of her day’s work; she also gave her the leftovers from her lunch.

19 Naomi asked her, “So where did you glean today? Whose field? God bless whoever it was who took such good care of you!”

Ruth told her mother-in-law, “The man with whom I worked today? His name is Boaz.”

20 Naomi said to her daughter-in-law, “Why, God bless that man! God hasn’t quite walked out on us after all! He still loves us, in bad times as well as good!”

Naomi went on, “That man, Ruth, is one of our circle of covenant redeemers, a close relative of ours!”

21 Ruth the Moabitess said, “Well, listen to this: He also told me, ‘Stick with my workers until my harvesting is finished.’”

22 Naomi said to Ruth, “That’s wonderful, dear daughter! Do that! You’ll be safe in the company of his young women; no danger now of being raped in some stranger’s field.”

23 So Ruth did it—she stuck close to Boaz’s young women, gleaning in the fields daily until both the barley and wheat harvesting were finished. And she continued living with her mother-in-law.

3 1-2 One day her mother-in-law Naomi said to Ruth, “My dear daughter, isn’t it about time I arranged a good home for you so you can have a happy life? And isn’t Boaz our close relative, the one with whose young women you’ve been working? Maybe it’s time to make our move. Tonight is the night of Boaz’s barley harvest at the threshing floor.

3-4 “Take a bath. Put on some perfume. Get all dressed up and go to the threshing floor. But don’t let him know you’re there until the party is well under way and he’s had plenty of food and drink. When you see him slipping off to sleep, watch where he lies down and then go there. Lie at his feet to let him know that you are available to him for marriage. Then wait and see what he says. He’ll tell you what to do.”

5 Ruth said, “If you say so, I’ll do it, just as you’ve told me.”

6 She went down to the threshing floor and put her mother-in-law’s plan into action.

7 Boaz had a good time, eating and drinking his fill—he felt great. Then he went off to get some sleep, lying down at the end of a stack of barley. Ruth quietly followed; she lay down to signal her availability for marriage.

8 In the middle of the night the man was suddenly startled and sat up. Surprise! This woman asleep at his feet!

9 He said, “And who are you?”

She said, “I am Ruth, your maiden; take me under your protecting wing. You’re my close relative, you know, in the circle of covenant redeemers—you do have the right to marry me.”

10-13 He said, “God bless you, my dear daughter! What a splendid expression of love! And when you could have had your pick of any of the young men around. And now, my dear daughter, don’t you worry about a thing; I’ll do all you could want or ask. Everybody in town knows what a courageous woman you are—a real prize! You’re right, I am a close relative to you, but there is one even closer than I am. So stay the rest of the night. In the morning, if he wants to exercise his customary rights and responsibilities as the closest covenant redeemer, he’ll have his chance; but if he isn’t interested, as God lives, I’ll do it. Now go back to sleep until morning.”

14 Ruth slept at his feet until dawn, but she got up while it was still dark and wouldn’t be recognized. Then Boaz said to himself, “No one must know that Ruth came to the threshing floor.”

15 So Boaz said, “Bring the shawl you’re wearing and spread it out.”

She spread it out and he poured it full of barley, six measures, and put it on her shoulders. Then she went back to town.

16-17 When she came to her mother-in-law, Naomi asked, “And how did things go, my dear daughter?”

Ruth told her everything that the man had done for her, adding, “And he gave me all this barley besides—six quarts! He told me, ‘You can’t go back empty-handed to your mother-in-law!’”

18 Naomi said, “Sit back and relax, my dear daughter, until we find out how things turn out; that man isn’t going to fool around. Mark my words, he’s going to get everything wrapped up today.”

4 Boaz went straight to the public square and took his place there. Before long the “closer relative,” the one mentioned earlier by Boaz, strolled by.

“Step aside, old friend,” said Boaz. “Take a seat.” The man sat down.

2 Boaz then gathered ten of the town elders together and said, “Sit down here with us; we’ve got some business to take care of.” And they sat down.

3-4 Boaz then said to his relative, “The piece of property that belonged to our relative Elimelech is being sold by his widow Naomi, who has just returned from the country of Moab. I thought you ought to know about it. Buy it back if you want it—you can make it official in the presence of those sitting here and before the town elders. You have first redeemer rights. If you don’t want it, tell me so I’ll know where I stand. You’re first in line to do this and I’m next after you.”

He said, “I’ll buy it.”

5 Then Boaz added, “You realize, don’t you, that when you buy the field from Naomi, you also get Ruth the Moabite, the widow of our dead relative, along with the redeemer responsibility to have children with her to carry on the family inheritance.”

6 Then the relative said, “Oh, I can’t do that—I’d jeopardize my own family’s inheritance. You go ahead and buy it—you can have my rights—I can’t do it.”

7 In the olden times in Israel, this is how they handled official business regarding matters of property and inheritance: a man would take off his shoe and give it to the other person. This was the same as an official seal or personal signature in Israel.

8 So when Boaz’s “redeemer” relative said, “Go ahead and buy it,” he signed the deal by pulling off his shoe.

9-10 Boaz then addressed the elders and all the people in the town square that day: “You are witnesses today that I have bought from Naomi everything that belonged to Elimelech and Kilion and Mahlon, including responsibility for Ruth the foreigner, the widow of Mahlon—I’ll take her as my wife and keep the name of the deceased alive along with his inheritance. The memory and reputation of the deceased is not going to disappear out of this family or from his hometown. To all this you are witnesses this very day.”

11-12 All the people in the town square that day, backing up the elders, said, “Yes, we are witnesses. May God make this woman who is coming into your household like Rachel and Leah, the two women who built the family of Israel. May God make you a pillar in Ephrathah and famous in Bethlehem! With the children God gives you from this young woman, may your family rival the family of Perez, the son Tamar bore to Judah.”

13 Boaz married Ruth. She became his wife. Boaz slept with her. By God’s gracious gift she conceived and had a son.

14-15 The town women said to Naomi, “Blessed be God! He didn’t leave you without family to carry on your life. May this baby grow up to be famous in Israel! He’ll make you young again! He’ll take care of you in old age. And this daughter-in-law who has brought him into the world and loves you so much, why, she’s worth more to you than seven sons!”

16 Naomi took the baby and held him in her arms, cuddling him, cooing over him, waiting on him hand and foot.

17 The neighborhood women started calling him “Naomi’s baby boy!” But his real name was Obed. Obed was the father of Jesse, and Jesse the father of David.

18-22 This is the family tree of Perez:

Perez had Hezron,
Hezron had Ram,
Ram had Amminadab,
Amminadab had Nahshon,
Nahshon had Salmon,
Salmon had Boaz,
Boaz had Obed,
Obed had Jesse,
and Jesse had David.